TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have Yet another area exactly where American Gentlemen can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Trump Tower Damascus Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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